so.. i get this new client a few weeks ago who is on a “web kick” thinking their website idea will change the world as we know it (yeah… im not skeptical, i know that a great idea can really change things, but these ideas are tired). so, this photographer is starting up his new studio and comes to me with this grand idea on a website. i sit and listen to everything he proposes. he launches into this grand proposal like he had rehearsed it the night before about how “in tune” with the web he is… how he considers himself an internet pioneer (honestly, i had a hard time keeping a straight face on that one) and created some of the very first sites on the web, and how he “knows how to do all this stuff, but i just dont have time cause im so busy” (which i found exxxxxxtremely hard to believe, but ok.

the basics of it are:

1. has a client login section so people he does photo shoots can login.

2. once logged in, they can view all of the photos from the shoot. they can select different photos and purchase them through the site which will generate a print order for any variety of crap… photos, calendars, posters, etc etc etc.

3. they can track the progress of their order online.

4. his management section will be able to create the new clients and their mini-sites on the fly, as well as setup the galleries for those clients, upload, resize on the fly, color correct, etc.

there is a lot more to it than that, but you get the basic idea.

so… i told him, it sound like he wants to recreate shutterfly. he said no… it will be better (how, im not sure… but ok). so i listen to him explain it all over again… yep, still shutterfly (or smugmug or printroom or millerslab or any other of the countless photography shops setup already).

i finally just bite my tongue… “yeah, oooooh… itll be great. so unique. youre truly a visionary.” meh.

so he wants to put a pricetag on it. jobs of this size i prefer to have broken down for my guys into segments and milestones, and price those milestones… but he wanted the entire shooting match in one swoop. so i told him i would get back to him.

this week, i finally sit down, discuss everything in detail… go over it point by point to make sure the feature list is exactly what he wants. “yeah… perfect.” good.

quote total: $72k – turn around: 6 months, additional 6 months of beta. (which is actually a pretty decent price for the astronomical workload)

he promptly shits a brick.

“company xyz can do it for $1,800″

now… im no stranger to negotiations. in fact, they are kind of my specialty. but there are a few numbers you can throw out… a lowball to let me know you want to haggle… a reeeeaally low number to let me know you are somewhat serious, but really need to find a way to trim… a number to low to even consider… or a number that is actually offensive. his number.. was well below even that.

so i immediately realize im wasting my time, and decide im going to just play along and see where it goes. i break into laughter. not chuckles… not ha ha ha… a full blown gut wrenching laugh where im about to piss myself.

and, just as promptly, his face turns red from rage.

“hey… if you dont want the job, thats fine… but i really wanted to use you. ive heard from (some friend who weve done work for that i cant even remember) that you guys are really good… but you arent even on the same continent as the other companies that have quoted this”

ok. ill bite.

“well… either:

1) you think we’re desperate, which is understandable right now with the economy, but trust me when i tell you… i dont need the work. ive got more than enough and my guys barely have time to sleep as it is right now. i have jobs lined til the end of the year, and 50 proposals working that are worth more than your home. each. in fact, your start date if i gave you the opportunity, will be in feb.

2) you are trying to use that number to “start negotiations”, in which case, let me tell you that ive already rescinded my proposal as we just dont need it, and youre wasting my time. id knock off $500 maybe if you sweet talked me… but thats it. not a penny lower.

3) you didnt explain HALF of what you told me to the other companies you received quotes from. in fact, id be willing to bet, they dont even think its more than a simple one page site. i might create you a template for $1800, but thats about as far as that would go.

4) you are an idiot… and i honestly think this is the case… they are selling you something ENTIRELY different from what you are asking for and you are just too stupid to know the difference. if i was a betting man, id bet its this one.”

he listened, but i could see he was getting more and more pissed off.

“im going to show you just how wrong you are asshole. maybe that will give you a little perspective, and show you that you are your mothers fucking company really arent all you think you are”

(honestly, those are his words)

at this point, im just having fun with this. ive already written it off… and even if he wrote me a check on the spot for the full 70+k… i wouldnt take it.

i sit there as the dumbshit proceeds to call his rep that gave him this super awesome proposal. he puts the call on speaker phone so i can sit and listen.

“hey mo (which i think is short for muhammad, but thats beside the point)… ive got a friend here in my office with me and we were going over your proposal (which he now hands to me to read – and i immediately see that this is going to provide some amusement for me). what was the price again?”

“umm… let me check…….. here it is… one thousand eight hundred”

so i keep listening and waiting….

“right. thats what i remember. so tell me mo… what exactly are you doing for that? remember when we talked, i had told you about the user login and sales on the site?”

“yes sir. essentially we will create a top quality search engine optimized layout that will help you reach number one on the search engines and get you the best return on your dollars”.

(mo just crammed as many buzz words into a single sentence as he could)i cant help it.. im starting to laugh again.

“right mo… and the user panel and admin panel… the sales end?”

“yes sir, we can build a template for your shopping cart too! but i havent figured that into the proposal. we recommend os commerce.”

at this point, its taking everything i have to keep from laughing uncontrollably. i can see his face is showing signs of confusion. so… i butt in….

“mo… will you explain to him what a template is”…

so mo tells him, and now its all starting to make sense. i can see the light bulb go on over his enormous fat head as the thoughts that maybe hes a fucking idiot come washing over him.

“umm… ok. thanks mo. talk to you later”

i guess i dont need to say i told you so, do i?

he sat there… dreams crushed. he honestly though he could build a full fledged functioning site that replicates what teams of people have taken years to create, for less than the cost of the cheapest pile of shit car you can find.

end result: he scrapped it all. he asked if i could do some sort of payment plan, to which i responded with more laughter while closing the door behind me.

idiot.

Tape a set of headphones to your cat, and crank this as loud as it will go. It should result in a spectacular display of convulsions and flailing.

Normally, i wouldnt post ridiculous crap from around the net… but this deserves to be posted for two reasons….

1. because bill o is a fucking dipshit.
2. because its freaking hilarious.

Bill O’Reilly’s Producer